Considering the Word of the Year: Surrender

An old friend and I used to have a running joke that I am the queen of the world and should be titled and compensated as such. I was pretty proud that I could handle so much with minimal strain. Pretty soon, the strain started to become more severe. I either wasn't eating at all or eating too much, drinking too much, fighting with the kids, fighting with T, or not talking at all. In short, I was barely functioning. The desire to run was STRONG and my relationship with God was mostly non-existent.

There's been a significant amount of trauma over the course of my 37 years, as is the case for anyone who has lived, but the desire to maintain some semblance of control has been a fierce one. I've come to realize that part of that trauma and human nature includes a heavy dose of self-absorption. It's not out of meanness, but I like the things that I like, and I want to do the things that I want, partly because I spent a long time trying to make other people happy but sacrificing every part of myself.

This is where surrender comes in. Last week I reached a point where I just said, "Enough. I can't keep going on my own. I have to let go, let You lead, and move where You say to move. I can't fix myself, no matter what my college degrees are, how many self-help books I read and podcasts I listen to. Only You can fix me."

The sheer relief that came from opening my mouth and saying that prayer was palpable. I didn't realize how much stuff I've been holding on to, how much I've been worrying about finances, kids, work, my body image, writing, my relationship with T, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. There is always more in the back of my mind, and it really gives me a headache. Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore, don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (CSB).

I'm trying to learn better balance, so I'm not being selfish, and T and the kids have reason to be proud of me and happy to be with me, rather than sick of me. I'm learning that surrender is going to be an ongoing process. I'm going to keep trying to take control back from God, even though I've asked Him to take the lead in every part of my life, so I'm looking at having constant reminders to surrender.

Consider This: Do you have an area where you are getting constant reminders that God wants something from you? Are you paying attention to the signs where He's talking to you? Mine come in the form of praise and worship songs being stuck in my head, especially when I first wake up, repetitive messages in social media posts, and people telling me things that I've been trying to ignore.